© Anthony Crawford 2012
A wired weary banker’s bedtime storybook about an affidavit-taking-debt-creating-tax-evading-moneymaking-machine.
The Great White North is a place of magic snow bunnies and financial miracles where once upon a time…
A handsome knight Sir Charlie from Niceland went on a snofari in the Great White North where he was almost flattened by a sled driven by a beautiful princess in a polar bearskin coat and fluffy white hat. He was smitten by a snowflake head over heels in love. Princess Snowflake had an identical twin sister called Princess Snowball as an evil snow packed derivative in another sleigh that people couldn’t tell the difference for love nor money.
Sir Charlie loved Princess Snowflake in love with love, but not Princess Snowball more in love with money.
The princess took her Charlie home to meet Queen Snowdrop and King Snowcap of the realm who were delighted with his net worth statement of affairs in property that came with his application. He pledged his troth and he gave her a big diamond ring and the bans were read for the grand wedding of Princess Snowflake and Sir Charlie
The snowbirds studied and rehearsed their marriage vows with Bishop Snowgoose at Snowbelt Abbey, and the good sir knight signed a prenuptial contract, a just in case financial instrument credit default swap asset backed commercial paper promissory non-banknote as insurance for a wholly unthinkable royal divorce.
The knight and princess went to stag and doe parties to impress snow angels and snowmen on their last night’s single. The next day, television pictures of a princess in a snowy gown and a snow white veil over her face-value walked down the aisle on the arm of King Snowcap putting her hand out for a good knight went global.
The couple put gold bands on each other’s fingers and promised worldly goods in exchange, and Bishop Snowgoose chanted, “You can kiss the bride.” The princess lifted her veil and lips touched in a magical tender moment. They both smiled the look of love. Everyone beamed at the vision of a snow white princess and a well heeled knight taking the last step transaction to a sanctum to sign a marriage certificate to live happy ever after.
The reverent bishop blessed the knight and said, “I shall be witness of you signing.” And so he was, and the newlyweds turned to leave showered with confetti until the princess flung her bouquet into the air full of loud hoorays for another princess to snatch and catch another Charlie.
At the palace the princess rushed to her chambers. She put the wedding gown on the bed where her sister lay fast asleep. The princess shook her hard enough to wake the dead. “Get up!” she hissed, “You had way too much. It had to be me, to be you, today!” The snow pie eyed sleepyhead awoke, and they talked. Then the beauties smiled and dressed alike and went down to a great hall to eat, drink and be merry. People made speeches and there was celebration and dancing long after good knight Charlie and his princess left to honeymoon, and then to a snow castle, to live happy ever after.
The next day Princess Snowball gave the bishop a secret commission of gold sovereigns for an affidavit notarized by her lawyer called Snowleopard to whom the bishop swore an oath for in truth he believed a Charlie was the person of the same name signing a promise to pay a face value credit derivative papered to default. Snowleopard took the affidavit to Goldilox in a Main Street Snowbank for the princess to swap a promissory note for banknotes showing King Snowcap and his signature to pay on demand that a Charlie didn’t know he was entrusted in default.
Princess Snowball was rich by Sir Charlie’s credit in a shadow economy and Goldilox said, “If you fix a Charlie horse and borrow to bet to lose in the end you can claim tax credits to save interest.” It was a capital idea; like tax deductable insurance that assassins take out as hits, or snow shed fire insurance that wannabe pyrotechnics buy to torch and collect. That’s how financial markets seem in the Wild West lawless snowfields of the north. And so it was that Goldilox issued lawyer-liar-loans to a princess for money to put promises behind structured investment vehicles that generated tax receipts for asset backed commercial paper interest charges as business losses claimed as personal expenses apparently approved to launder for cash through the king’s own taxation system.
It was a dark secret of banking for a princess making larger snowballs. Even her curmudgeon rook accountant looked happy. Icy Snowmaker rubbed his hands in gleeful anticipation of claiming tax credits to fuel the economic engine that drove her affidavit-taking-debt-creating-tax-evading-moneymaking-machine. He could see what next in snow dream laws and politics for hungry bankers as Goldilox sold frauditor poorly standard triple-aye-rated marriage securities to cold hearted snowmakers hedging for an overnight failure to perform.
One day there was a huge snowfall, and without snowshoes Sir Charlie was snowed under and stuck in a snowstorm. A queen’s guard found him in a snowpack with Jack Frost bites from snowflakes under a snowline that with no two alike he was obviously snowbound for divorce. Snowmakers made off like bandits. He was disgraced as a sitting duck in stocks for people to ridicule and pelt with snowballs in the courtyard outside.
Goldilox pressed a snowsuit in court with a banker’s prayer for a summary judgment to separate Sir Charlie from his money. A Daylight Loan evidenced by a signature affidavit on a demand note should have been a breeze in a snow walk for debt without trial, but there was a question of forged initials on one note and a banker filling out another in the same account that Snowleopard acting for the Snowbank told the court didn’t exist in the quantum. Snowboard acting as Sir Charlie’s lawyer refused to challenge perjury by the bank and he panicked and quit. Justice Snowmobile threw out handwriting analysis with a snow shovel and a disrobed Snowboard appeared in the transcript switching Sir Charlie’s Factum for a love story from which three snow-blind judges ruled as law in Snowland, “…loan documentation makes it clear there is no genuine issue for trial with respect to the bank”.
It was Ponzi event that started an avalanche of snowmen and snowwomen in snow boots kicking seedy swaps into global snow piles with two dozen zeros hedged in ever bigger heaps. Prime Minister Big Snowbird of Snowland declared an emergency snow squall tax to bail out a snow meltdown of frozen assets called “Toxic Loans”. When Goldilox dug out trillions with a snowplow for the king he received a knighthood, and a Big Society Snowbank paid mega bonuses from quantitative easing banknotes offset by social engineering cutbacks with more snow taxes paid by more in working years for less in retirement.
Sir Charlie wrote a cautionary tale dedicated to a leader of the opposition who signed a petition that the Big Snowbird should investigate signature-specific-identity-theft behind fraud from unregulated Snowbanks in Snowland. But, there was a cover up, and his friend in politics died and it never happened. No one believed a fantasy king and queen and princesses in a castle conspired with a bishop to defraud a middle class knight behind working class pawns as ninety-nine percent losers bailing out the stately one percent. The official snowdrift blamed it on subprime mortgages. The spin might have ended thus, except that Charlie swaps trade as money its wonders to perform with interest paid to holders of promises for capitalism without capital, which is the Goldilox financial miracle of sworn affidavits for hungry bankers doing God’s work in the Great White North.
The awful lawful truth of court that Snowboard appeared in script to interfere with documents with intent to obstruct justice is what it is… that no one could deny. Snowbank held paid writs on judgment debt over his castle until the Charlie yielded to barraters and signed releases for orders to end the legal hunt. But a heavy hitter called Snowblower shot an improperly served instant action professional misconduct insurance claim over Snowboard that slapped a snowflake by misjoinder to a lawyer-liar-lawsuit with a deemed motion to indemnify the Snowbank and its agent and allied lawyers and accountants free from prosecution.
It was a miracle Sir Charlie saw the snow plume coming in time to dodge a snow blower’s prayer that preys on Plaintiffs not falling to sign a release deemed effective for a judge to execute in default. An angry Snowmobile driven to act signed an order that Sir Charlie and Princess Snowflake be slapped together to sign a release and consent to dismiss the snowballing claim, or they both go to jail with costs and a gag order and whatever next a snow blower could throw at them from a Snowbank in Snowland.
When barraters left court they battered Sir Charlie with snowballs to taunt him, “Princess Snowflake signed a release for Snowbank.” He couldn’t believe it, and he still refused to sign his own release. He was in the stocks one night when he flinched at a whoosh of an incoming snowball. He expected an icy splat to sting any moment. But it didn’t, and it wasn’t a snowball, it was a snowflake. He thought he was dreaming. His beloved snowflake was there. She looked pale even for a snowflake slapped. She smiled bravely at her Charlie and whispered, “No two snowflakes are alike, and nothing’s what it seems in Snowland”. She untied his feet and rolled him over to lay him in her snow sled. She covered him with a rug and kissed his face and murmured, “A snow bunting twittered me.” She smiled in thought, “It’s time to go to Niceland to live happy ever after.”
And so it was a beautiful princess mushed, “Hup hop” to a prize bunny and they lollopped away leaving a paper trail of fake money from a Charlie far behind them.
In days beyond Slapland they were in Niceland. Nicelanders read about a Charlie and a snowflake in a bedtime storybook snow job tax invaders plan for debt that is contaging. You only need to number non-banknotes to stop first and audit second wave debt in shadow banking games. No more capitalism without capital from tax credit savers making papered notes that launder interest charges for cash through taxation systems until they fail to rollover at taxpayers’ expense in default. No more fully exposed swaps sold to so-called naked buyers that hedge unsecured contracts to profit from certain default as sovereign debt for yet another bailout.
So, listen to a banker advising signatures will be honored on banknotes, and do as he says, be careful what you sign, because if it’s not Goldilox making sense fake money… its good knight Charlie.
(Affiant Rules is a credit card game for debt that is “Contaging” in the G20 Tax Invaders Plan by Anthony Crawford)V-10-414951.